My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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