he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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