I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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