Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
