did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
vagina is talking i cant
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
