Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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