I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
