I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
