The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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