Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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