1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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