I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
