please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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