I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's Friday. Sex?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
