I could make wine with my vomit
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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