I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
