Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
