Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
