He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
