my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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