During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
