I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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