: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
