If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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