I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
