i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
