From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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