If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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