I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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