i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
