I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
