It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
