guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
