I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we're making bets on your personal life
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
