After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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