# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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