i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
