Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
