Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
