hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
