when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
a search helicopter?!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
