I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
