and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
