Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
