My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
