You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
