i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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