Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
