I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
