just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
