i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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